Star Trek: Justice League

Superhero movies are massive right now. There's no sign this trend will die out soon either.   So I've been thinking- what would happen if Star Trek tried to cash in on this?  Thankfully, they probably won't. Still, it makes for some interesting speculation. So, if superhero team were to form in the Star Trek universe, who would it consist of?

In my own speculation, I've limited it to the 24th century. Several reasons for this. Partly because, despite special skills or intelligence, no one in the original series crew is what you would call "super-powered". Sure, it could be argued that a character like Spock has exceptional intelligence, but I don't think that qualifies.  When it comes down to it, he's just a human/Vulcan hybrid who, at best, might make it on the team as a sort of non-powered Batman-type.

So, my 24th century candidate list is as follows. 

Data- An android built by the legendary scientist Noonian Soong.  Data possess incredible physical strength, superior intellect, motor control, reflexes, etc.  And while there have been other androids in the Star Trek universe, Data is a unique "Soong type" android, capable of individuality, sentient thought, and possess a strong sense of right and wrong.  Despite his non-aggressive demeanor, Data is capable of some serious ass-kicking.

Possible Superhero Weakness: He has a "off" switch... seriously.
 

Odo- Deep Space Nine's Chief of Security.  Odo was discovered as an amorphous blob by a Bajoran scientist.  Over several days of study, the scientist discovered that Odo was a sentient lifeform that could take on the shape of things around him.  Soon, he was taking on humanoid form.  Odo doesn't carry a phaser- after all, when you can camouflage yourself into a wall, turn your hands into maces, or disarm your opponent with the flick of that tentacle you just sprouted, why would you need a firearm?  Odo is also blessed (cursed?) with an unyielding sense of order.

Possible Superhero Weakness:  He's incredibly OCD.

Seven of Nine- A former Borg drone, recovered from the Borg Collective by Voyager and integrated into the crew.  Seven underwent a difficult journey to rediscover her humanity.  Aside from already having the physical form of a female comic book superheroine, Seven's natural abilities are enhanced by her Borg implants.  Speed, strength, reflexes, mental abilities, hand-eye coordination have all been augmented by Borg technology, as well as a wealth of knowledge she retains from the Collective.

Possible Superhero Weakness:  She lacks a basic understanding of human behavior.  She's also over-analytical and excessively thorough to a fault.  Her need for order mirrors Odo's in some ways as well.

Doctor Julian Bashir- The chief medical officer of Deep Space Nine.  Bashir is brilliant, charismatic, and very sociable.  He also lived most of his life hiding a dark secret.  He had been born with mental deficiencies so severe that his parents sought illegal genetic engineering to "fix" him.  Despite this, he was allowed to retain his position in Starfleet. In addition to making several groundbreaking medical advances over time, he's also seen his fair share of combat, both on ground and in space.

Possible Superhero Weakness:  He has a tendency to get caught up in personal issues and is often lead by emotional attachments, usually attachments to romantic interests.  He is also, basically, human, despite his enhancements.

Kes- Former Voyager crew member with incredible mental abilities originally picked up by Voyager in the Delta Quadrant.  Originally, she'd been a prisoner of the Kazon until she was rescued by Neelix and the crew of Voyager.  She spent some of her early time on the Voyager building up the hydroponics bay.  Everything seemed normal for a while but over time it was apparent that she was developing various telepathic and telekinetic abilities.  Eventually these abilities had gotten so strong that she'd become a danger to herself and everyone around her.  She departed in a shuttle and by the time she resurfaced (several years later) she'd been able to harness her powers into an incredible destructive force.

Possible Superhero Weakness: Her species only lives nine years.

The Runner Ups

Guinan- Civilian bartender aboard the Enterprise D.  Little is know of Guinan and her myseterious past.  We do know she's at least 400 years old, and it SEEMS as if she's capable of withstanding the powers of Q.  Or Q at least seemed wary of her.

Benjamin Sisko- We honestly don't know what happens to Sisko after the last episode of Deep Space Nine.  We can only assume he now has godlike powers. 

Q- Omnipotent beings, the Q Continuum posses unimagined power, but for they most part, they avoid interfering with lower life forms.  Q (also being the name of the entity from the Continuum that most often interacts with humans) has mostly been presented as a trickster-god type character, though in other instances he helps or guides human characters. 

That Creepy Dad From Beethoven

Wait, you must be thinking, Beethoven was a cute, family friendly movie!  How could you dare call out one of it's main characters as creepy?  Well, I'm sorry.  I'm here to destroy your fuzzy childhood memories.  The premise of this 1992 film begins when a St. Bernard puppy escapes from some sort of pet burglars and finds a home with the Newton family.  Hilarity ensues as the father of the family deals with the destruction, drool, and wacky hijinks involved with a large breed dog.  Eventually, a plot unfolds involving the pet burglars and their evil boss- some sort of black-market munitions/chemical tester.  Beethoven is recaptured and the family springs to the rescue with lots of "awwww" moments in between.  To be fair, there are worse family-friendly films out there, but rewatching Beethoven as an adult, I noticed a few things about the father, George Newton (played by Charles Grodin).

First, he seems adamantly opposed to having a dog.  This isn't that weird- lots of people just don't like them... but George Newton's dislike of dogs seems to stem from an obsessive compulsive disdain for disorder.  One scene stands out in particular, where Beethoven slobbers on George's pants.  George flies off the handle about how his schedule is ruined, because if he changes his pants, he has to change it jacket.  If he changes his jacket, he has to change his tie.  If he changes his tie, he has to change his shirt.  And he will never have his schedule back.  Seem a little off yet?  Well, get this... he owns an air freshener manufacturer.
 

Everyone's gotta work somewhere, I guess... 

Ok, still not THAT bad, right?  We just have a guy who flips out when his clothes don't match, who has an obsession with making sure things don't stink, so he's probably a neat-freak.  Oh yeah, and in his household's opening scene, we find out that he forces his entire family to wake up at 7:00 AM on Saturdays, seemingly for no reason.  These things could probably all be dismissed... but lets delve a little deeper into the mind of George Newton, shall we?

There's this memorable scene where he and his wife are discussing her returning to the work at his company...

Startled by a sound downstairs, his wife prompts him to go look.

It was just Beethoven, up to his old tricks.  He darts out of the room before George sees him.  But while he was downstairs, George's wife Alice got up to check the thermostat, because that's what you do when you think there's an intruder in the house.

Yeah, we all know what happens next.  While Alice is checking on the kids, Beethoven steals her spot in the bed... George comes back, lays down, and.... 

Hey, it's probably happened to all of us at least once.

And THIS... yes, this is why George is creepy....

Never mind that I'm a parent of a little girl- I think I can say unbiasedly that no married father with two young daughters living in the house should really be saying something like that.  Yeah, I can be a creepy guy, but this just seems wrong if you have little girls in the house.  Totally fine for, say, a younger couple with no kids... or maybe even an older couples whose kids have moved out long ago... but for this guy?

Still not convinced?  Later on in the movie, we find out that the main bad guy, the black-market scientific tester, is posing as a veterinarian (or maybe he really is one, and testing live ammunition on large breed dogs is just a hobby).  While Beethoven is in for routine vaccinations, he casually mentions to George that he's had to put down several large dogs like Beethoven because they occasionally turn on their owners.  Of course, he's just laying the framework for a plot to kidnap Beethoven a little later in the film, but his words really seemed to bother George.

Her expression tells you something...

"You promised you'd never bring that up again."

So there you have it.  Beethoven is the story of a very repressed crossdresser.  He wants to be fabulous, he wants to explore some very creepy sexual avenues, but he got roped in to the American Dream of living in the 'burbs, married, with 2.5 kids, a station wagon, and a dog.  Living this buttoned down life has only pushed him further into his neuroses, making him OCD, nervous, and not very likeable.

The movie, of course, ends on a high note and lays the groundwork for half a dozen awful sequels, but it really wasn't that bad for something you can watch with your kids.  And sure, maybe I'll ease up on George a little bit... his oldest daughter from the film looks like this now...

Insert creepy "daddy's little girl" quote here.